It’s Wednesday. Half of the week has passed and it’s been a long few days. Death. Life. Hope. Surprise. Shock. Grief. Change. Tears. Here’s my processing of it all.
My week started Monday morning waking up to pick out something black to wear. The sun was shining but it might as well not have even existed. I wasn’t hungry most of the day. My heart was heavy. Death swallowed up my friend Annie and this world is sadder because of it.
The funeral was nice, or as nice as funerals can be. I can only speak to my experience and am deeply saddened for her family and close friends. I really have no words of comfort for them but that I’m so sorry. I enjoyed reflecting on her life and celebrating the joy that she was with some friends after the service.
Things to say about Annelise McGoff: She was a joy to be around. Her free spirit made you want to be around her and to let yourself loose. I never felt stressed around her, which to me says a lot considering we were tennis partners. She joked between every point at our regional meet against Portland. I don’t remember if we won or lost, but I do remember that we had fun- and that was because of her desire to have fun and not take things too seriously. She was just a joy in that sense and every other aspect.
A friend shared this story about her and I think it sums her up so well. He said that for the “Williamston Weekly” she was being interviewed about Valentine’s day. While most people were saying they liked the day, Annie says, I don’t like Valentine’s Day. Why show your love just one day? You should show love to everyone, everyday.
I love that she loved and I hope that’s a character trait that people can adapt into their own lives to remember her and carry her legacy on.
Beyond that- the whole thing still seems a little surreal to me. She was 24. 24 year olds aren’t supposed to die! People are supposed to die when they’re old and have lived a good life. Right God? Validate me? Tell me I’m right? Tell me you didn’t want this to happen?
“Then Jesus wept.” John 11:35
The pastor at the funeral read John 11, about Lazarus passing away and Jesus returning to Bethany to find Martha and Mary weeping and mourning over the loss of their brother. He made an excellent point that has stuck with me since then, that just because you have a personal relationship with Jesus- doesn’t mean He’s going to do everything you want.
Martha and Mary were tight with Jesus. They were friends. It’s recorded elsewhere that Jesus goes over to their place for dinner. Dinner was a big deal back then so that should say something to us today. Jesus knew he was sick and dying. What would I do if I knew a friend was dying? Not thing! “So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days.” Two whole days!
I took a closer look at each of the characters in the story and here’s just a glimpse of what I took away from Martha’s interaction with Jesus between 11:1-44.
Martha:
- Once getting word that Jesus was coming, went out to meet him, unlike her sister
- She wanted to see him – could be for many reasons
- Expressed “If only you were here” which shows her belief that He could have done something if He was there
- Also talks about her faith with him
- Expressed that she still believes God is with Jesus and can give Him whatever He asks
- Continues to see His true character and remember truth in light of her circumstances and grief
- Converses with Jesus
- Jesus asked her questions to help her realize what she believes
- He tells her truth then wants her to confirm
Beyond that I enjoyed looking at a few of these questions
- How does Jesus travel plans make any sense?
- What is he talking about in V 9 &10? Why does he say it when he does?
- How did Mary and Martha’s relationship with Jesus affect the way they approached him?
- Why is Jesus angry? v.33
- What was Jesus way of processing through his emotions?
- Hears news that He’s sick
- Comes to the reality that He’s dead v. 14
- Jesus sees Mary and people weeping and “a deep anger welled up within him” v33
- He was deeply troubled v.33
- Jesus wept. v. 35
- “Still angry” v. 38
- Talks to his Father. v 41-42
- Commands Lazarus to rise. v. 43
- How does God get the glory in this?
- What does Jesus do that we don’t even notice? Know about? (v. 41-42)
- What is Jesus interaction with His father like?
- What does He want people to know when it comes to him raising Lazarus from the dead? How many times does he say it?
- What are some of the things Jesus talks about through this passage?
- Why did Jesus stay outside the village? v.30
- How do his disciples respond? What are their fears?
This passage just brought a lot of light into my life when it came to processing through my thoughts and beliefs about losing someone I love. It’s still shocking and crazy to think about but one thing I have been learning is that through all of this- Jesus is never shocked or surprised. He’s not shocked when the news that Lazarus is sick arrives. He’s not surprised when His disciples question his agenda. He’s not shocked that only Martha came out to meet him and Mary stayed behind. He’s not surprised or even angry with Martha when she comes to meet him and pours out her hurt and frustration to him. He’s not surprised by her misunderstanding of His power. He’s not surprised when he sees the others and their mourning and weeping. He’s not surprised by his Fathers power working through him. He’s not surprised by Lazarus raising from the dead. He’s not shocked about any of it.
Which is comforting to me, because it helps me see that God really is El Roi- the God who sees. I mean if I really think about it- the reason something surprises people is that they don’t see it coming. But Jesus isn’t surprised. How can that be?! Well because He is God and apparently He must see everything- otherwise, how come He’s not surprised? He’s a man, born as a baby and probably cried when he needed something. He has feelings and emotions- it says so in verse 35- “Jesus wept.” So we can’t rule out that He’s emotionless and that’s why he’s not surprised. So it must just mean that He really can see everything. That’s the logical answer that I’m coming up with here at 1:30am.
God sees. He’s not surprised and not shocked. He knows. And because He’s not caught up in his own emotions- he’s able to talk to people compared to backing off and processing what he’s going through. He’s able to start at stage 2 (Pain & Guilt) of the stages of grieving instead of stage 1 (Shock & Denial). He’s a step ahead- that Jesus.
So I look to Jesus. Who’s a step ahead. Who’s not surprised and not shocked. Who sees our hurt, weeps with our pain, and gives us hope through our sadness.
Well that was Monday this week. Shall I move on to Tuesday and Wednesday with the election results? For tonight I’ll just leave it with this and continue to remind myself that El Roi is not surprised by the results of the presidential election of 2016.
Amyparuk 