My favorite bracelet just broke- beads scattered across the floor. I have no desire to clean them up.
I don’t allow myself to get too disappointed about thing in life. I also don’t allow myself to get too excited about things in life. I have a fear of disappointment. Yes it’s a fear. My consequences of fear are that it paralyzes me, and keeps me from acting a certain way and keeps me from experiencing joy.
How does my fear of disappointment come out?
It keeps me from asking God for big things. It keeps me from dreaming big thoughts. It keeps me from turning my desires and dreams into a reality. It keeps me from having self confidence in anything that I do. It keeps me from making decisions. It keeps me from experiencing emotion- especially joy in the Lord.
I don’t want to be disappointed so I choose not to be.
The problem with this is that disappointment is inevitable. I’m disappointed every day with myself when I realize that I didn’t actually get out of bed when my alarm went off. I’m disappointed because I had my hope in something and it didn’t work out. There’s something about being disappointed with things I can control over things I can’t though. I think that if I can control the situation then I can make sure I’m not disappointed with the outcome. This is what causes me so much stalling when it comes to making decisions. When I don’t have any solid plans to put my hope in, then I know I’m going to be disappointed because not knowing = disappointment.
It’s like a game of Trouble. For those who haven’t played in a while- you roll the dice and move your piece without knowing what’s going to come next. You keep working your way around the board each turn you get. Other people are doing the same thing though and if they land on your piece, you’re in trouble. You have to go back to the start and begin again.
If I could have it my way I would want everyone else to make their decisions so that I can factor that into my own decision making process. I want to know just how I can manipulate the other pieces so that I know my plan will work and that I won’t be ruined by something unexpected, like someone landing on my piece. So if I can’t know exactly how things are going to go, I don’t get my hopes up too high because I expect to be disappointed. When I expect to be disappointed, I think the joy comes all the more exciting then because I really wasn’t expecting things to work out. (You mean I actually get to move from home base this time? OK!)
But the problem comes into play when I don’t have all of the answers and don’t know the entire plan. I can’t see into the future and have no idea what’s going to happen next. And that’s scary!! It’s paralyzing for me to think about the future and what I want to be doing- because it’s all unknown and not knowing breeds disappointment after disappointment. Why? Because my hope is in my plans.
I’ve tried living my life so far with as little disappointment as possible. Why? Because it hurts! It sucks to have expectations and be excited about something only to see it crash and burn around you. It sucks to be so excited about the possibilities and big dreams of things that could be only to watch them crash and burn around you. It sucks to put your hope in something only to realize those dreams are never going to happen. I wanted to do AmeriCorps! I wanted to try something new! I wanted to make an impact in the world for the Kingdom and guess what? I’m interning again with Cru.
I’m disappointed. I dreamed big things and had great plans and now what? Now I’m sitting here reminding myself of why I don’t let myself get too excited about something. I’m sitting here wallowing in the fact that I’ll still be in East Lansing another year. Sitting here mad that I even got my hopes up to think that God would let me do great things next year on my own. I’m sitting here not knowing who to blame or how I could have controlled this situation any differently so that I didn’t end up disappointed. I didn’t have all the pieces for myself, not all the dice were rolled when I started the game.
And guess what? That’s life.
I don’t know how other people are going to react to a situation. I don’t even know what the dice is going to give them. I also don’t know what the dice is going to give me, but I plan like I do. I really don’t know if I’ll land on a slide and move ahead without knowing it- or if I’ll be moved back home and have to start all over. There are so many unpredictables in life. And I don’t want any of them. I want to hope in my plans so I know that things will go my way and if they don’t it was my fault and I can learn and prepare better for next time.
But not wanting something and not getting something don’t mean anything when you aren’t the one in control. It’s not about what I want to do in life. It’s not about getting what I think I deserve, whether it’s a job or a thank you card. None of it is about me and all of it’s about Jesus. Because when I think about Jesus- I think about how disappointed He must have felt in his life. And yet He loved deeply, experienced disappointments, and ultimately knew everything going on around him and was still disappointed in his circumstances. And He never sinned like I constantely do.
Does this mean I can’t be disappointed in life? I don’t think so. That’s not realistic at all. Does this mean I can start changing my emotions so I’ll never be disappointed again? I don’t think so. That’s not realistic at all. I think what I’m learning through all of this is that I need to run into Jesus more, pray more, and bring people into my life to do the same. After all, isn’t this what Jesus did?
Matthew Praying in the Garden. Brings His friends along with him to keep watch. He was disappointed and frustrated with what He was going through. And what did he do? He prayed.
How did he pray? He was raw. He had emotion. He expressed that He wasn’t happy. Yet He was still in contact with God. He was still praying. He was still finding time to focus above and focus on others. He was focused on God’s glory and His Father’s will.
How am I doing at those things? Not well. I’m going to God and pretending everything is fine. And after long enough thinking those feelings will go away. Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong. God doesn’t want my fake crap that tells him everything is fine. That tells Him I can’t wait to intern. That I’m excited to intern. That I’m excited for telling others that I’m coming back. I’m actually not doing any of that because right now I feel like I’m currently avoiding the whole situation. I’m not praying about what’s happening around me at all.
This is funny for me to think about. Imagine that Jesus goes up to the Garden to pray right before He’s about to be crucified and prays for his disciples who are sleeping. We know He loves them and wants to see them grow and experience the Kingdom of Heaven. But we also know what Jesus is about to go through. He prays about himself and what’s about to happen because He needs to be reminded of God’s will. This was the most important thing to Him at that moment when He felt the most disappointed and torn up than ever before and yet He was praying.
Not only is it ok to express emotion to God- it’s ok to do it about yourself. I’ve been trained to think that my opinions, thoughts and emotions don’t matter. Thanks culture and past relationships. But that’s not what we see here. The Father is showing that He loves and cares for the Son and how He’s feeling and that doesn’t make His last moments on earth suck any less.
Amyparuk 