On Monday October 16th we had sewage backing up into our basement.
On Monday October 23rd I went to the doctors and found out I had shingles.
On Monday October 30th we found a bedbug in Kasey’s bed.
On Monday November 6th Orkin came and sprayed for bed bugs.
What will happen on November 13th? Only God knows.
What have I been learning?
It must have sucked to be a leper back in the day. Going around having to shout unclean. People must not have wanted to talk to you. No one would have been interested in hearing your pity party story because they would have thought there was something wrong with you. And there would have been something wrong with you, you’re sick. You would have been in pain with no one to feel for you. You would have been outcast with no one to welcome you in. You wouldn’t be able to have a job because no one would want to hire someone with leprosy who’s unclean. If you don’t have a job and no work then you have nothing to do in a day. If you had nothing to do in a day to keep you busy then you’d probably just sit and wallow in your pain and nothingness. You’d have to be outside the city because you aren’t allowed to be inside the city because you could accidentally contaminate someone or something. If no one wanted to hear how you were doing, that would be very discouraging. No community. All by yourself. Feeling unknown, unwanted, and unlovable.
THAT LIFE SOUNDS TERRIBLE!
Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!”
I’m learning that Jesus has the power to heal. That life was meant to be lived in community. I’m learning that I still love to work a lot and have a really hard time resting. I’m learning how to deal with myself when I don’t live up to my own expectations and the expectations that others have for me in working. I’m learning that Jesus loves me when I cannot work and he reaches his hand out to me to let me know he’s with me.
Hah I remember when the question was asked to me, “If you were Satan, how would you tempt yourself?” My answer, I would take away my health. I would make me not able to work. Why? Because I loved my work and when I’m serving I’m proving that I’m worth something. That I’m needed. That I’m wanted. That there’s a purpose for me. That God could love me because I was worth it and had my work to prove it. I don’t want to aimlessly go through life without a purpose. I want my life to count and have a meaning and when I’m doing something I’m showing that purpose to others and to God.
I want to think that I can believe that I have a purpose outside of my work but I still don’t think I’ve reached that point yet. I think I grew in learning that a lot through having shingles and for that I can truly say, thank you Lord for the opportunity to have shingles and grow in understanding that you have a purpose for me being alive. It’s not only to be healthy and serve your people but it’s for serving, and talking, and praying, and being loved and resting.
“Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent.” John 6:29
Action word: believe. (It doesn’t say The work of God is this: to work for your salvation to prove that your good outweighs the bad. It says believe.)
What have I learned about fear and mice and bed bugs?
I have this irrational fear of mice. The first night I saw it I was paranoid and couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t leave things on the ground for a week because I thought mice would get into it, especially my shoes. I can’t figure out where this fear comes from and it really bothers me! All I know is that I don’t like them and I don’t feel comfortable living in the same house as them.
I also have a fear of bed bugs. Fear maybe isn’t the right word but I don’t like thinking about living with them either. I couldn’t sleep some nights because I would wake up itchy (probably because of my shingles). I would toss and turn and have a tough time going back to sleep. These bugs that are so small had so much power over me. Just the thought of them! I didn’t even have them! But I think I finally know what anxiety is.
I’ve always heard that word but never really know if it described me and my life. It was something that other people had a hard time with but not me. Not in a prideful way but just in the way that I praised God and didn’t know how to respond when other people talked about it.
I’ve been learning that dealing with fear and anxiety is hard. You cannot ignore the thoughts that come into your head and have to actively work to fight to get rid of them.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
“Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2
The renewing of my mind can only happen through the power of the Spirit. I was describing it to my roommate a little bit thinking about myself as a tree. There’s kinda like veins in a tree if I remember my tree anatomy correctly, and there’s nutrients that run through it. That was like me and having fear. There was fear that was running through me and I couldn’t figure out how to tap into the Holy Spirit and drink from the living water that would provide me with the peace that comes from God. It’s like I wanted to be tapped like a maple tree and allow all of the sap to be collected. I wanted all of the fear to be collected away from me. I wanted the fear to run outside of me so that it wasn’t clogging up my veins. I wanted to be able to digest the nutrients from the Word that God was giving me through the power of the Spirit but I just couldn’t get rid of it. I needed that fear out of me so I could analyze it in the bucket. I could stick it through fire that would refine it to be liquid gold aka maple syrup. I wanted to change it into something useful, something that would give life and joy and that wouldn’t lead to laziness and gloom. It’s just been interesting trying to tap into the Holy Spirit and learn to listen and rely on Him. Because when I’m stuck in my fear, I can’t do anything to get myself out on my own. I can’t keep drinking from the same well. I need something different. Something new. I need Living Water.
“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” 1 Peter 1:7
“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:25-26
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28
What have I been learning about sin?
Sin is like bed bugs. You may have them in your bed. You’re comfortable with it. You start to think, this isn’t so bad. This isn’t hurting anyone, except maybe just me. It isn’t drawing me closer to God but it’s not so bad. Then they get exposed and there’s shame and embarrassment and guilt and self-conscious. It was all fine when only I knew about it but to have other people know about it, well that’s something else.
Sin is like bed bugs. It starts with the little tiny eggs. The eggs that are less than 1mm in size and clear to white in color. The thought seems so small and innocent. It slowly grows. You let it fester in your bed because it still isn’t biting you and it’s not spreading to anyone else. You think, once I can see them then I’ll start to take action but it’ll never get that far. Then all of a sudden they are grown up bugs. They are actions or words. And you can think to yourself, where did that come from? I can’t believe I’m doing this. But you’ve known the power that the larva, that the thoughts, could have if you didn’t address them once and for all.
Sin is like bed bugs. It’s serious. It takes focus to get rid of them. It takes lots of energy and action. It takes understanding the source before you can address the outward cause. It’s not something to take lightly. You cannot just get rid of one and they will all be gone. It’s much deeper. It’s connected to more rooms than just your own.
Sin is like bed bugs. It’s sneaky. It hides. You don’t realize it’s a problem if you aren’t looking for it. You could have a seriously problem but if you don’t take time to evaluate them how will you ever know how have them. You can pretend you don’t have them or you can acknowledge you have a problem and fight.
Sin is a serious deal. Sin isn’t going to just go away on it’s own. My sin cannot be cleaned by someone else. I have to acknowledge it. I have to bag it. I have to find the source. I have to clear it out. I have to inspect it closely. Analyze it. I have to put the work in. Jesus died on the cross to pay for my sins and that’s not something to be taken lightly.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11
“The death He died he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore DO NOT LET SIN REIGN in your mortal body so that you obey it’s evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.” Romans 6:10-14
“…Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” Phil. 2:12
“Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do you will save both yourself and your hearers.” 1 Tim. 4:16
What am I learning about faith and where I put my hope?
I put 100% of my hope in Orkin and the pesticide spray. I was desperate for something to relieve me of the stress and anxiety. I needed something to give me hope and I wanted it to be something I could see.
I’m learning that I don’t have as much faith as I thought. I’m learning that I like Jesus because He’s convenient for my life. He gives me something to hope into but I don’t actively trust Him when it comes to things like getting rid of bed bugs or getting rid of shingles. My hope is in the medicine. My hope is in Orkin. My peace comes from Jesus but my hope in things is rooted in other things. I’m learning and wanting my hope and faith to be rooted in Jesus. He has the power to cure. He has the ability to protect. He is worth putting my faith into because He did what He said and He said what He did.
What am I learning about stuff?
I’m learning that I love my stuff. I love my material possessions and it’s hard for me to get rid of stuff. The hardest pieces to get rid of were the ones that had an emotional attachment to them. For example my reading lights that Kristy got me from Cambodia or Thailand or somewhere across the world. Or the light in a jar that Kerry and I made together. Or the melted crayon painting of the cross that I made with Michael to represent Jesus. Or the bouquet from Rachel’s wedding. Or my headpiece that I wore in Kristy’s wedding. Or the piece of wood that said Redeemed that Lauren made me. That’s not even to mention my clothes. Those were very hard to get rid of and still are hard!
I think I had such a hard time getting rid of those things because they had a memory attached to them or a person. They represented something positive or meaningful that happened or I got to experience. Whatever it is they’re gone now and I don’t really know how to grieve the loss. It seems silly to grieve the loss of possessions but I’m starting to get a taste of what the rich young ruler must have been feeling.
“You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. When he heard this he became very sad, because he was very wealthy.” Luke 18: 22-23
I wonder what He did in this situation. I wonder if He went home and started purging stuff into trash cans. Or if He started looking for good homes for some of his possessions. Or if He made piles for things to get rid of and things He for sure wanted to keep and couldn’t part with.
All of this is such a good reminder of what Jesus talks about over and over again.
“For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.” Luke 12:23
I had to throw my purse away, my favorite leather purse from Target. It could fit everything inside and everything had a place in there. I probably could have sprayed it with a lot of alcohol and tried to wash it all off but I figured that would take too much time. I realized today when going to Narrow Way that having a purse or bag to carry my Bible and laptop in is very valuable. But this verse helps me take heart when I think about it outside the garage in the trash can.
“Provide purses for yourself that will not wear out, treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no bed bugs destroy. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Luke 12:33-34
Amyparuk 