Monday.

How do I feel today? What’s going on?

It’s the start of the work week after a long week off and Thanksgiving weekend. I think all of my motivation is lost. Motivation to do work. Motivation to talk to my roommate. Motivation to be social and have conversations. Motivation to read the Bible. Motivation to text people to get together and make plans with them. Motivation to write my newsletter that I wanted to send out yesterday. Motivation to clean my room. Luckily, I showered yesterday but honestly I don’t have much motivation at all to do that so we’ll see how this week goes. Mainly just all motivation all together seems to be gone.

I don’t know where it went or in other words what the cause of my laziness is, but I don’t really care much to find out and process through it. Could it be because I ate a lot of junk/comfort food? Is it because I slept a lot and now my sleep patterns are all crazy? Is it because I was out of my home and back at my childhood home for a few days? Is it because I watched hours and hours of TV? Is it because I was around people who I don’t feel ‘know’ me? Is it because I wasn’t able to be myself because I don’t know how to do that around my family? Is it because I didn’t feel useful because I wasn’t teaching and opening the Word with girls? Is it because the weather is changing and it’d been cloudy and rainy for a week making me think I had SAD? Who knows and who cares.

*Insert mindless scrolling on Facebook for a while*

I want to do the opposite of what I know I should be doing when I feel this way. I want to sleep. But the Spirit within me is hungry. It wants to be fed with the Word and is going to keep bringing it to mind. I don’t want to read the Word but I’m choosing to anyways. I don’t want to go to Life Group but I’m going anyways. I don’t want to plan for discipleship but I’m going to anyways. I don’t want to pray but I’m going to. I don’t want to need help but I do and so I’m going to ask God for it. There is a lot I don’t want but there is a difference between what I want or don’t want- and what I need.

I need more than ever to ask the Spirit to show up in my life and produce the fruit I need- currently joy and faithfulness. I need more than ever to read the Word because I feel empty and apathetic and need to be reminded of the truth and my need for God. I need more than ever to talk to God and tell him how I’m doing just to get out of my head and think about His good and pleasing and perfect will for my life. I need Him. I don’t need more of my own sorry thoughts for myself, I don’t need to sleep more and shut down, I don’t need to run from my current reality, I need God. I don’t know what that looks like or how to do that, but I know I do.

Thank you Lord for your Spirit who begs and nags me to be fed with your Word. Thank you Lord for transforming my desires to align with you. (For the past 3 years this has happened and I don’t desire God at all, but I do want Him and I’m thankful for that desire.) Thank you Lord for your faithfulness to me, your love towards me, and the fact that my performance does not earn me anything. Thanks for free, never ending grace.

“All cause you love love love when you know I can’t love” -Of Monsters and Men

 

Why Intern with Cru?

In preparation for the Senior Luncheon tomorrow, I figured I’d just take a minute to think about why I would tell someone that they should intern.

I think first off, I would start with asking someone how they would do out in the “real world” when it came to being a Christian. I think if you would have asked me a few years ago I would have felt pretty confident in my answer. I had been working at the Kellogg Center for 4 years and attempting to share my faith there for years. However, now when I think about my preparedness for living out my faith- it’s a tremendous difference.

I have a deeper understanding of what it looks like to walk with the Lord. For me, reading my Bible was not a super high priority when it came to spending time with Jesus. I would watch sermons, listen to worship music, and talk to God about things I was going through but as for how to have a really serious personal relationship with Him- I wasn’t there yet. Interning with Cru has made me walk more closely with the Lord, and I think now I know how to do that for a lifetime.

I have a deeper heart conviction to share the Gospel with people. I always have loved sharing the Gospel with people but mostly it was not to the extent that I would say so now. In college I enjoyed getting into spiritual conversations with people and hearing about their backgrounds but I was not very confident in explicitly sharing the Good News with people. I wanted to talk to people but when it came to them making a decision to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior I felt like I was not ‘good enough’ to lead someone in making that decision or following up with them. My heart has grown in wanting people to accept Jesus and fully live out the identity that He’s given them.

There’s probably plenty more but I’m tired so I’ll pick up on this another time.

 

Ok so another thing that I thought about was the fact that interning with Cru makes Jesus the #1 of my life in so many ways that I never would have done before. I never would have Jesus as my boss outside of working in ministry. I never would have to surrender all of my finances to Him outside of interning. I don’t think I even would understand what that looks like or know how to trust God with my finances, but because of interning I’ve grown in that. Provider God is real and I will always be able to look back on these times and praise Him and remember that He is the God who provides.

He is #1 of my time. He is #1 of my finances. He is #1 in my life and interning with Cru has helped me to see that in deeper ways that I never would have noticed if I hadn’t surrendered these two years of my life to him.

Election Week 2016 (Part 1)

It’s Wednesday. Half of the week has passed and it’s been a long few days. Death. Life. Hope. Surprise. Shock. Grief. Change. Tears. Here’s my processing of it all.

My week started Monday morning waking up to pick out something black to wear. The sun was shining but it might as well not have even existed. I wasn’t hungry most of the day. My heart was heavy. Death swallowed up my friend Annie and this world is sadder because of it.

The funeral was nice, or as nice as funerals can be. I can only speak to my experience and am deeply saddened for her family and close friends. I really have no words of comfort for them but that I’m so sorry. I enjoyed reflecting on her life and celebrating the joy that she was with some friends after the service.

Things to say about Annelise McGoff: She was a joy to be around. Her free spirit made you want to be around her and to let yourself loose. I never felt stressed around her, which to me says a lot considering we were tennis partners. She joked between every point at our regional meet against Portland. I don’t remember if we won or lost, but I do remember that we had fun- and that was because of her desire to have fun and not take things too seriously. She was just a joy in that sense and every other aspect.

A friend shared this story about her and I think it sums her up so well. He said that for the “Williamston Weekly” she was being interviewed about Valentine’s day. While most people were saying they liked the day, Annie says, I don’t like Valentine’s Day. Why show your love just one day? You should show love to everyone, everyday.

I love that she loved and I hope that’s a character trait that people can adapt into their own lives to remember her and carry her legacy on.

Beyond that- the whole thing still seems a little surreal to me. She was 24. 24 year olds aren’t supposed to die! People are supposed to die when they’re old and have lived a good life. Right God? Validate me? Tell me I’m right? Tell me you didn’t want this to happen?

“Then Jesus wept.” John 11:35

The pastor at the funeral read John 11, about Lazarus passing away and Jesus returning to Bethany to find Martha and Mary weeping and mourning over the loss of their brother. He made an excellent point that has stuck with me since then, that just because you have a personal relationship with Jesus- doesn’t mean He’s going to do everything you want.

Martha and Mary were tight with Jesus. They were friends. It’s recorded elsewhere that Jesus goes over to their place for dinner. Dinner was a big deal back then so that should say something to us today. Jesus knew he was sick and dying. What would I do if I knew a friend was dying? Not thing! “So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days.” Two whole days!

I took a closer look at each of the characters in the story and here’s just a glimpse of what I took away from Martha’s interaction with Jesus between 11:1-44.

Martha:

• Once getting word that Jesus was coming, went out to meet him, unlike her sister
• She wanted to see him – could be for many reasons
• Expressed “If only you were here” which shows her belief that He could have done something if He was there
• Also talks about her faith with him
• Expressed that she still believes God is with Jesus and can give Him whatever He asks
• Continues to see His true character and remember truth in light of her circumstances and grief
• Converses with Jesus
• Jesus asked her questions to help her realize what she believes
• He tells her truth then wants her to confirm

Beyond that I enjoyed looking at a few of these questions

1. How does Jesus travel plans make any sense?
2. What is he talking about in V 9 &10? Why does he say it when he does?
3. How did Mary and Martha’s relationship with Jesus affect the way they approached him?
4. Why is Jesus angry? v.33
5. What was Jesus way of processing through his emotions?
   1. Hears news that He’s sick
   2. Comes to the reality that He’s dead v. 14
   3. Jesus sees Mary and people weeping and “a deep anger welled up within him” v33
   4. He was deeply troubled v.33
   5. Jesus wept. v. 35
   6. “Still angry” v. 38
   7. Talks to his Father. v 41-42
   8. Commands Lazarus to rise. v. 43
6. How does God get the glory in this?
7. What does Jesus do that we don’t even notice? Know about? (v. 41-42)
8. What is Jesus interaction with His father like?
9. What does He want people to know when it comes to him raising Lazarus from the dead? How many times does he say it?
10. What are some of the things Jesus talks about through this passage?
11. Why did Jesus stay outside the village? v.30
12. How do his disciples respond? What are their fears?

This passage just brought a lot of light into my life when it came to processing through my thoughts and beliefs about losing someone I love. It’s still shocking and crazy to think about but one thing I have been learning is that through all of this- Jesus is never shocked or surprised. He’s not shocked when the news that Lazarus is sick arrives. He’s not surprised when His disciples question his agenda. He’s not shocked that only Martha came out to meet him and Mary stayed behind. He’s not surprised or even angry with Martha when she comes to meet him and pours out her hurt and frustration to him. He’s not surprised by her misunderstanding of His power. He’s not surprised when he sees the others and their mourning and weeping. He’s not surprised by his Fathers power working through him. He’s not surprised by Lazarus raising from the dead. He’s not shocked about any of it.

Which is comforting to me, because it helps me see that God really is El Roi- the God who sees. I mean if I really think about it- the reason something surprises people is that they don’t see it coming. But Jesus isn’t surprised. How can that be?! Well because He is God and apparently He must see everything- otherwise, how come He’s not surprised? He’s a man, born as a baby and probably cried when he needed something. He has feelings and emotions- it says so in verse 35- “Jesus wept.” So we can’t rule out that He’s emotionless and that’s why he’s not surprised. So it must just mean that He really can see everything. That’s the logical answer that I’m coming up with here at 1:30am.

God sees. He’s not surprised and not shocked. He knows. And because He’s not caught up in his own emotions- he’s able to talk to people compared to backing off and processing what he’s going through. He’s able to start at stage 2 (Pain & Guilt) of the stages of grieving instead of stage 1 (Shock & Denial). He’s a step ahead- that Jesus.

So I look to Jesus. Who’s a step ahead. Who’s not surprised and not shocked. Who sees our hurt, weeps with our pain, and gives us hope through our sadness.

Well that was Monday this week. Shall I move on to Tuesday and Wednesday with the election results? For tonight I’ll just leave it with this and continue to remind myself that El Roi is not surprised by the results of the presidential election of 2016.