The Pine Cone

Christians at the Cross – Chapter 7/8 Reflection

Mary’s grief losing her friend, her teacher and her hope. An unexpected encounter in the garden.

Read Isaiah 65:17-25 and John 20:1-18

 

Broken, disappointed and shattered beyond belief

Who wouldn’t thought we’d be left with all this grief?

 

All of the hope and the trust is now gone.

Is this something that we should’ve sawn?

 

What looked so promising has left us in pieces.

How could you let this happen Jesus?

 

We investing in it all and now feel the burn,

Where do we go? Where can we turn?

 

It’s not as simple to go back before we met,

Our lives have been changed and we thought we were set.

 

I guess we’ll just take things a day at a time.

Hoping that someday we’ll get back to our prime.

 

We know that things will be different from here

But still I just wish I had you in my boat to steer.

 

To the right or to the left, where do I go?

Without you here to lead I just don’t know.

 

Your presence is gone but still I want to visit

Hold onto the memories but oh wait, what is it?

 

The tomb is empty there’s no one to be found,

I can’t take any more hurt I mumble to the ground.

 

Do you know how pine trees like this get so big?

Says a voice from behind me as I sniffle like a pig.

 

The only way the seeds are released is if the cone goes through fire,

it’s creases are opened when times are dire.

 

The seed endures burning before it even begins

Just like you who were born into sin.

 

But don’t worry my child, it is all finished.

See I am here to say the enemy is diminished.

 

Jesus it is you! My heart is so glad!

I thought I’d never see you again and was oh so sad!

 

I was making a way, making room for the new,

And I was doing it all while thinking of you.

 

You will have troubles and be tempted to give up hope.

But keep your eyes up, you can’t see the whole scope.

 

Someday in the new earth where we’ll be,

My people will live as long as the trees.

 

So next time you’re down take this pine cone in your hand,

And remember the burning it goes through before it’s planted in the sand.

 

Look up to the top, think of all the growth

There was sunshine and rain, it had to have both.

 

I have come to encourage, forgive, and to heal

And I’ll leave you with someone who is my promised seal.

 

I’m starting with you so you know I am for you.

I’m starting with you so you know I adore you.

 

Before you go running to tell all the others,

Sit for a minute and share with me your troubles.

 

Once you are ready and your tears are all dried

Go tell the others how the pine cone is fried

 

“Take heart, He has overcome the world!” you could say

“He is making us new, He is making a way!”

 

“Making beauty of ashes, we can trade it all in!”

“The shame and the anger and all of the sin!”

 

“This is just the beginning, let us feast, have a party!”

“Hurry come to see Him, you don’t want to be tardy.”

 

Start with yourself, bring all of your baggage.

Then take a friend who is beat down and ragged.

 

Show them the pine cone, tell them your story.

However you do it give God all the glory.

 

Sing of His mercy, goodness, and love

Sing it until you join Him with the doves

 

He is making things new, keep your eyes open to see

What he can do with this world and with you and me.

Photo by Todd Trapani on Pexels.com

If_______, then __________.

Math has always been my favorite subject. It makes so much sense to me. 1+1=2. There’s a right answer. You can check the box and get the right answer, because there is one right answer. None of this partial credit stuff or good effort for trying. It doesn’t matter. What matters is getting it right.

That’s how I wish life could be, or at least today that’s how I wish it could be. Ask me another day and I’d say “No way! There’s no room for creativity or free thinking or interpretation!” but today I want there to be a right way and wrong way to do things. And I want to know what it is.

——————————————————————–

I think I’ve always believed in a conditional kind of love without really noticing it. If I (act a certain way, perform, meet all of the expectations, make you smile or laugh or feel happy) then I will (be noticed, get attention, be deemed worthy of love, seen as competent/responsible, be accepted, etc.) I don’t think I’m alone in that belief. Our parents and loved ones do the best they can to raise us to know that they love us and therefore that deems us lovable, wanted, accepted, worthy, etc. (or at least I’d like to believe that about all parents) but that message is not engrained in the core of our being, or at least it didn’t stick with me.

I desired to be seen as lovable and so I did what came naturally to me, I served. Attention = love, right?! Good or bad, someone was paying attention to me.

I see that now with some of the kids I hang out with. In my mind they are looking for love. And so what do they do? They act out to get attention. They don’t listen. They do listen and don’t do what they’re supposed to. They don’t do what they’re supposed to and they get taken aside and talked to. They laugh at the idea of a punishment. I think sometimes they just want some extra love and attention.

Now all of this is coming back to bite me because I love someone and want them to love me so I’m doing all that I know how to do, which is perform to meet the needs and expectations that he has, or that I think he has to sustain and keep the love around. You want to spend quality time together? Ok I will set aside time every Monday to hang out. You like to hang out and watch sports? Ok great me too, let’s do it together. You want me to make time for you throughout the week? Ok cool I love you and want to see you too so that’s convenient. You want me to ‘just be’? Oh, ok yeah, umm how do I do that?

What does it look like to ‘just be’? What does it mean that you say you love me for me and not for anything I do?

That’s scary. How can someone just love me? I’m not meeting your expectations. I’m not serving. I’m not making you smile or laugh or feel happy (quite the opposite actually). I’m making your life more complicated. And yet he still says he loves me.

Ok well then I’ll just work harder. I’ll make up reasons for myself as to why he should love me and then check the invisible boxes myself. I’ll put more pressure on myself and cling to any expectation I can make up about what I think he would want to be happy. Then I can show him that I know him and his wants and can be deemed worthy of love in my eyes to him. Ok now I deserve to be loved because I’m living up to these make-believe expectations that I made up that you should have for me.

Oh. Well there I go breaking those expectations that I made for myself to be a better girlfriend.

And now I feel terrible because I broke the expectations that I thought held the belief that if I could just do this then I’ll be worthy of love.

He says “I’ve loved you all along. You don’t need to do anything for me. I love you for you.”

And then I weep and remember Jesus and what it means to have unconditional love in my life.

Matthew, what a picture you are of Jesus to me. Your unconditional love, your patience, your pursuit, your willingness to stick it through and work through things amazes me. I love you for who you are and hope that I can learn to love myself as much as I love and treasure you.

Through the Fight

I got into my first fight with God. (GASP!)

You would think after following Jesus for going on 6 years this month, I would have gotten into plenty of fights with Him by now. And I probably have fought with Him before but nothing like this. This time I told Him we were fighting.

This might seem very basic, but to me telling Him we were fighting was a big deal. Because until this moment I didn’t think that I would ever fight with God. Especially not over this.  “It’s stupid to fight with God because in the end God is God and I am not. Whatever He says goes. Whatever it is that’s tripping me up should be over with and I should realize there’s no point to arguing with God and I’ll have to live with whatever the outcome is and there’s that. Get over it and move on. Realize it’s a lie you’re believing from Satan and hate Satan. You can’t hate God. You can’t be mad at God.” At least that’s what I was telling myself. That’s been my inner dialogue for six years and up until now I think it’s worked.

I’ve never really even fought with people before. I’m too much of a people pleaser for fighting. You want your way? Ok fine I’ll submit, I’ll obey, I’ll passively go along with it. I’ll lay down my thoughts or opinions or feelings to hear you out and then agree. I can’t remember a time where I’ve really truly stood up to someone about something– anything. Whether it was important to me or not. (Unless you count sports and people putting down MSU in some way, shape or form. Then I guess I have no problem fighting. So I guess there are certain things.) But the point is, I’m a very passive person. I don’t like to stand up to others.

Why? Ugh I don’t really want to figure it out right now so maybe I’ll come back to that sometime.

So anyways, fighting with God is a challenge because I don’t really know how to do it. I don’t know how to express what I’m thinking because I think that what I’m thinking is stupid. In this case I’m embarrassed that I’m even thinking it and embarrassed to bring it before God. Why? Because God isn’t concerned with my little problem. Because God has so much He’s doing, my little issue is nothing. Because I should just get over it anyways. Because it’s not worth bothering Him with.  Because I can figure it out by myself, I don’t need help, I don’t need support from others, I’m mature enough to deal with my problems on my own. Because He won’t care (–> Because He doesn’t love me.)

Do I know those are lies? Yes.

Did I need to get them out of my head to realize I was believing them? Yes.

So I’m learned that so far I have a skewed view of God’s love for me. God loves Amy because she never fights with me. She is always content and happy and joyful with everything that comes her way. Therefore I will love her because she never gives me any lip. She never talks back so that makes me love her more. She always want to do what I’m doing so that’s another reason to love her because she’s on board with me. She is just so easy to get along with so I will love her because of her personality. (All super biblical right?)

I think in the end it comes down to the truth of believing that God loves me and God has good in mind for me.

The reason we’re fighting in the first place is that I don’t want to be single anymore. It just seems to stupid to admit and say out loud. I’ve been ok with it for a while but now I want someone to share life with; someone to notice me, take interest in me, and pursue me.  This among many other lies about my identity, and that I’m not worth pursuing, was that God is holding out on me. IS THIS NOT SATAN’S BEST LIE?!?! Or that God’s forgotten me. Or that God doesn’t really want what’s best for me. (Because clearly I know what’s best for me gosh darnit.)

Yet I think I’m realizing that there is so much more behind that. I wanted to blame God for Him holding out on me because I don’t want to go back to believing the old lies that I’ll be single forever. That I’m not worth dating. That I’ve had my chance and those opportunities are gone- you’ve hurt too many people and caused too much damage for God to entrust one of His beloved sons to my care. That I’m not lovable. That I’m not worth pursuing and chasing after. That I’m not pretty/skinny enough. Blah blah blah!

Anyways there’s a bunch of lies. Maybe I’ll replace them with truth some day but for now I’m going to bed and going to continue to be in this passive state of loving God but not really liking Him.

 

Shopping with Daddy

One of the things that drew me to Hope House as a place to live and serve was the premise that God is working and we get to be on the lookout for where He’s working and join Him.

The other day I ran into Kroger just to pick up some stamps. I had a few errands I was running that day and just needed to pop in briefly. While I was standing at the counter I saw Rae and her daughter Charlie grabbing a cart. I smiled and said hello, as it had only been a few hours since I last saw them at church. We talked about the Oscar’s Party we were both attending that evening and started to go our separate ways when I heard Charlie ask from her spot pushing the cart, “Do you want to walk with us?”

My inner dialogue began, did I want to walk with them? No not really. But what was the hurry? And Charlie asked so politely! I only have one more stop on my list. I probably have time to walk with them. And if I have to go I can always just leave. Ok why not? 

So I joined them walking through the store picking up this and that. Average grocery shopping trip. But I must have heard Charlie say at least five times, “I love shopping.” “I’ll go shopping with Daddy later.” “I just looove to shop!”

You see, Charlie loves shopping. She loves doing work with her mom. She loves pushing the cart and being a part of the trip. She loves having a role to play scanning the objects and passing them to me. And I think that’s not too far from me wanting to do work with my Daddy. I want to go shopping with Him. I want to be around Him while He’s working. I want to see what He’s doing and how He’s doing it. I want to be a part of the experience. I want to know where God is working and join Him there. I want a role to play in the work. I want to follow in His ways as He leads and guides where He’s going. I want to see where He’s looking and what He’s looking for. I want to be close by His side at work, not looking through the aisles for where He is just to see Him turn the corner. I don’t want to get distracted in the candy aisle when He’s in the frozen foods section. I don’t want sin to trip me up and temptation to distract me. I want to follow Daddy and stay close to Him. Because I know that Daddy has a mission to do, a purpose to accomplish, and I can either be a part of it or grab my own cart and shop for myself.

Spirit would you help keep me following closely in the ways of my Father? Accomplishing Him plans and not my own?

Speak Life: The Power of Words

Please. Thank you. I love you. I’m sorry.

Our words have the ability to hurt or to heal. Our words have a purpose. Our words give direction. Our words have power.

That’s the theme of Read Around the Block this semester “Speak Life: The Power of Words” and I absolutely love it. If you’ve ever been around kids, you know they speak the unfiltered and honest truth about what they see and hear. I almost look forward to their comments on Mondays and Thursdays and the conversations that we’ll enter into around the dining room table during snack.

I’ve been so encouraged by the three sessions that we’ve had so far and the work that God is doing in our lives. The first week when the theme was introduced we did a writing activity with the kids that centered around the idea of important words. In two columns students were to write “1. The most important words that I’ve ever heard and 2. The most important words that I’ve ever spoken.” See an example could go something like this:

“When I was in elementary school I heard that God loved me. He loved me and my family and the whole world. I heard that He created the moon and the stars and He also created me. Then I learned that He wanted to have a relationship with me. ME. A rebellious child who didn’t always listen. All I needed to do in order to have a relationship with God was acknowledge my shortcomings and sin and place my trust and faith in Jesus.

And so I spoke the most important words that I’ve ever spoken, I said a prayer to ask Jesus into my heart, forgive me of my sins and for Him to be my savior.”

This example given by Joy (and paraphrased from my memory) got the kids thinking as they went into their own writing times. I know some of the kids go to church and their families are Christians but sometimes I still doubt if kids really understand the words that are spoken to them about Jesus.

For me, I went to church and heard about Jesus but never understood what a personal relationship with Him meant. Out of my own personal experience I judge these kids and their faith thinking that someday they will know what it means to have Jesus as their Savior and Lord but today they are just repeating what they’ve been told.

Well when sharing time came I was in awe of what these beautiful children were speaking. “God saved me.” “I love Jesus.” “When my mom said I love you.” “When Hope House said good job.” “I love my dad.” “I bought you a Doritos taco.” (That last one would be important words for me too!)

Josh was speaking from his heart when he said “I love God” and I felt it in my Spirit that he meant it. Jesus spoke about it himself “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.” (Matthew 18:3-5) Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. So why should I doubt that He’s drawing the children into a relationship with Him? Who am I to judge which words go in one ear and out the other?

I am so grateful to be learning from the Jesus living inside these kids that He is near and He loves His children. I am so grateful to be one of His children, living in Detroit welcoming the neighborhood children week after week and welcoming Jesus himself into this place called Hope House.

 

 

New Years 2018!

A year in reflection. What happened in 2017?

Began 2017 in IndyCC probably thinking it was going to be my last time there and sad about it. Went to Cuba in March (?) and experienced God’s pursuit of people there and their life conditions that broke my heart. Decided to work at Hope House Detroit and found so much freedom making decisions- who knew decisions could be fun! Started working there in May and felt a wave of God’s provision as I was doing what I had experience in. Managed a cafe thanks to six workers from the neighborhood. Felt incompetent and out of control leading the High School Girls Bible Study. Built relationships. Vacationed.

Resolutions:

1. Be dedicated to loving the Lord and learning more about Him.
2. Live as if my body is really a temple of the Spirit of God. Exercise (lets say three times a week). Eat more vegetables and less dessert. Drink more water. Sleep a healthy amount. The usual things people resolve to do.
3. Learn and be willing to learn and do something I’m not great at. I want to be committed to learn Spanish and maybe even some Polish. Who knows what else.

God is faithful even when I am faithless.

Buggy Times

On Monday October 16th we had sewage backing up into our basement.

On Monday October 23rd I went to the doctors and found out I had shingles.

On Monday October 30th we found a bedbug in Kasey’s bed.

On Monday November 6th Orkin came and sprayed for bed bugs.

What will happen on November 13th? Only God knows.

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What have I been learning?

It must have sucked to be a leper back in the day. Going around having to shout unclean. People must not have wanted to talk to you. No one would have been interested in hearing your pity party story because they would have thought there was something wrong with you. And there would have been something wrong with you, you’re sick. You would have been in pain with no one to feel for you. You would have been outcast with no one to welcome you in. You wouldn’t be able to have a job because no one would want to hire someone with leprosy who’s unclean. If you don’t have a job and no work then you have nothing to do in a day. If you had nothing to do in a day to keep you busy then you’d probably just sit and wallow in your pain and nothingness. You’d have to be outside the city because you aren’t allowed to be inside the city because you could accidentally contaminate someone or something. If no one wanted to hear how you were doing, that would be very discouraging. No community. All by yourself. Feeling unknown, unwanted, and unlovable.

THAT LIFE SOUNDS TERRIBLE!

Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!”

I’m learning that Jesus has the power to heal. That life was meant to be lived in community. I’m learning that I still love to work a lot and have a really hard time resting. I’m learning how to deal with myself when I don’t live up to my own expectations and the expectations that others have for me in working. I’m learning that Jesus loves me when I cannot work and he reaches his hand out to me to let me know he’s with me.

Hah I remember when the question was asked to me, “If you were Satan, how would you tempt yourself?” My answer, I would take away my health. I would make me not able to work. Why? Because I loved my work and when I’m serving I’m proving that I’m worth something. That I’m needed. That I’m wanted. That there’s a purpose for me. That God could love me because I was worth it and had my work to prove it. I don’t want to aimlessly go through life without a purpose. I want my life to count and have a meaning and when I’m doing something I’m showing that purpose to others and to God.

I want to think that I can believe that I have a purpose outside of my work but I still don’t think I’ve reached that point yet. I think I grew in learning that a lot through having shingles and for that I can truly say, thank you Lord for the opportunity to have shingles and grow in understanding that you have a purpose for me being alive. It’s not only to be healthy and serve your people but it’s for serving, and talking, and praying, and being loved and resting.

“Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent.” John 6:29

Action word: believe. (It doesn’t say The work of God is this: to work for your salvation to prove that your good outweighs the bad. It says believe.)

What have I learned about fear and mice and bed bugs?

I have this irrational fear of mice. The first night I saw it I was paranoid and couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t leave things on the ground for a week because I thought mice would get into it, especially my shoes. I can’t figure out where this fear comes from and it really bothers me! All I know is that I don’t like them and I don’t feel comfortable living in the same house as them.

I also have a fear of bed bugs. Fear maybe isn’t the right word but I don’t like thinking about living with them either. I couldn’t sleep some nights because I would wake up itchy (probably because of my shingles). I would toss and turn and have a tough time going back to sleep. These bugs that are so small had so much power over me. Just the thought of them! I didn’t even have them! But I think I finally know what anxiety is.

I’ve always heard that word but never really know if it described me and my life. It was something that other people had a hard time with but not me. Not in a prideful way but just in the way that I praised God and didn’t know how to respond when other people talked about it.

I’ve been learning that dealing with fear and anxiety is hard. You cannot ignore the thoughts that come into your head and have to actively work to fight to get rid of them.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7

“Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

The renewing of my mind can only happen through the power of the Spirit. I was describing it to my roommate a little bit thinking about myself as a tree. There’s kinda like veins in a tree if I remember my tree anatomy correctly, and there’s nutrients that run through it. That was like me and having fear. There was fear that was running through me and I couldn’t figure out how to tap into the Holy Spirit and drink from the living water that would provide me with the peace that comes from God. It’s like I wanted to be tapped like a maple tree and allow all of the sap to be collected. I wanted all of the fear to be collected away from me. I wanted the fear to run outside of me so that it wasn’t clogging up my veins. I wanted to be able to digest the nutrients from the Word that God was giving me through the power of the Spirit but I just couldn’t get rid of it. I needed that fear out of me so I could analyze it in the bucket. I could stick it through fire that would refine it to be liquid gold aka maple syrup. I wanted to change it into something useful, something that would give life and joy and that wouldn’t lead to laziness and gloom. It’s just been interesting trying to tap into the Holy Spirit and learn to listen and rely on Him. Because when I’m stuck in my fear, I can’t do anything to get myself out on my own. I can’t keep drinking from the same well. I need something different. Something new. I need Living Water.

“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” 1 Peter 1:7

“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:25-26

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28

What have I been learning about sin?

Sin is like bed bugs. You may have them in your bed. You’re comfortable with it. You start to think, this isn’t so bad. This isn’t hurting anyone, except maybe just me. It isn’t drawing me closer to God but it’s not so bad. Then they get exposed and there’s shame and embarrassment and guilt and self-conscious. It was all fine when only I knew about it but to have other people know about it, well that’s something else.

Sin is like bed bugs. It starts with the little tiny eggs. The eggs that are less than 1mm in size and clear to white in color. The thought seems so small and innocent. It slowly grows. You let it fester in your bed because it still isn’t biting you and it’s not spreading to anyone else. You think, once I can see them then I’ll start to take action but it’ll never get that far. Then all of a sudden they are grown up bugs. They are actions or words. And you can think to yourself, where did that come from? I can’t believe I’m doing this. But you’ve known the power that the larva, that the thoughts, could have if you didn’t address them once and for all.

Sin is like bed bugs. It’s serious. It takes focus to get rid of them. It takes lots of energy and action. It takes understanding the source before you can address the outward cause. It’s not something to take lightly. You cannot just get rid of one and they will all be gone. It’s much deeper. It’s connected to more rooms than just your own.

Sin is like bed bugs. It’s sneaky. It hides. You don’t realize it’s a problem if you aren’t looking for it. You could have a seriously problem but if you don’t take time to evaluate them how will you ever know how have them. You can pretend you don’t have them or you can acknowledge you have a problem and fight.

Sin is a serious deal. Sin isn’t going to just go away on it’s own. My sin cannot be cleaned by someone else. I have to acknowledge it. I have to bag it. I have to find the source. I have to clear it out. I have to inspect it closely. Analyze it. I have to put the work in. Jesus died on the cross to pay for my sins and that’s not something to be taken lightly.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11

“The death He died he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore DO NOT LET SIN REIGN in your mortal body so that you obey it’s evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.” Romans 6:10-14

“…Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” Phil. 2:12

“Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do you will save both yourself and your hearers.” 1 Tim. 4:16

What am I learning about faith and where I put my hope?

I put 100% of my hope in Orkin and the pesticide spray. I was desperate for something to relieve me of the stress and anxiety. I needed something to give me hope and I wanted it to be something I could see.

I’m learning that I don’t have as much faith as I thought. I’m learning that I like Jesus because He’s convenient for my life. He gives me something to hope into but I don’t actively trust Him when it comes to things like getting rid of bed bugs or getting rid of shingles. My hope is in the medicine. My hope is in Orkin. My peace comes from Jesus but my hope in things is rooted in other things. I’m learning and wanting my hope and faith to be rooted in Jesus. He has the power to cure. He has the ability to protect. He is worth putting my faith into because He did what He said and He said what He did.

What am I learning about stuff?

I’m learning that I love my stuff. I love my material possessions and it’s hard for me to get rid of stuff. The hardest pieces to get rid of were the ones that had an emotional attachment to them. For example my reading lights that Kristy got me from Cambodia or Thailand or somewhere across the world. Or the light in a jar that Kerry and I made together. Or the melted crayon painting of the cross that I made with Michael to represent Jesus. Or the bouquet from Rachel’s wedding. Or my headpiece that I wore in Kristy’s wedding. Or the piece of wood that said Redeemed that Lauren made me. That’s not even to mention my clothes. Those were very hard to get rid of and still are hard!

I think I had such a hard time getting rid of those things because they had a memory attached to them or a person. They represented something positive or meaningful that happened or I got to experience. Whatever it is they’re gone now and I don’t really know how to grieve the loss. It seems silly to grieve the loss of possessions but I’m starting to get a taste of what the rich young ruler must have been feeling.

“You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. When he heard this he became very sad, because he was very wealthy.” Luke 18: 22-23

I wonder what He did in this situation. I wonder if He went home and started purging stuff into trash cans. Or if He started looking for good homes for some of his possessions. Or if He made piles for things to get rid of and things He for sure wanted to keep and couldn’t part with.

All of this is such a good reminder of what Jesus talks about over and over again.

“For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.” Luke 12:23

I had to throw my purse away, my favorite leather purse from Target. It could fit everything inside and everything had a place in there. I probably could have sprayed it with a lot of alcohol and tried to wash it all off but I figured that would take too much time. I realized today when going to Narrow Way that having a purse or bag to carry my Bible and laptop in is very valuable. But this verse helps me take heart when I think about it outside the garage in the trash can.

“Provide purses for yourself that will not wear out, treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no bed bugs destroy. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Luke 12:33-34

Testimony

If I could go back and do it again I would.

I would share about pursuit of the Lord in my life from the time I was born to the moments I was taking breath to fuel the story I was telling. I would tell of the God who satisfies and fulfills me better than ice cream sundaes, than the attention from the boys I sought and the work that I do to prove that I’m worth something.

I would tell of the stories of my life growing up, of my parents divorce and how that has shaped my view of God’s covenant love towards me, His beloved daughter.

I would brag about how God has brought me joy in knowing Him as my Father who loves me and will never leave me. I would brag about God’s work in my own Dad’s life to help him understand what it means to be a son of the living God.

I would tell of the stories of Mackenzie’s house and the parties and attention I was seeking and how the Spirit led me to understanding my dissatisfaction for drinking and sex that had once brought me happiness.

I would brag about the Spirit who worked His will in my life to lead me from a destructive path of my own pursuit and pleasure to seeing that Jesus satisfies my soul. That He doesn’t want to me to run to alcohol to find joy but that He wants me to run to Him because He has living water. I would brag about His open arms that forgive me again and again when I cheap on Him and His reassuring voice convincing me that I’m forgiven and worthy of forgiveness when my own mind wouldn’t let me believe any differently. I would brag about His love for me that changed my ways and caused my behavior and habits to change.

I would tell of the stories of how I hide behind my work to show I’m productive so that I might trick someone into thinking that I’m valuable and how I can be fulfilled through the job that I’ve done after a long day working.

I would brag about His grace and His work that He has for me to do that is not based on productivity and outcome but based on relationships and love. I would brag about the ways He showed me grace through being a workaholic who didn’t know the Father’s love until I was sitting in Mary Lawrenz’s living room crying because my pride and joy was being taken away from me- my work for God.

You see I’ve learned a lot from God over the years and I don’t want to ever stop sharing that. I don’t want to ever stop remembering those stories of the times that His love was stronger than the love I was looking for from the world.

I would tell you stories in my life of how God pursues (like He did when Jesus came down to be born as a baby and live as fully God and fully man on earth pursuing His people.)

I would talk to you about grace and forgiveness and how those things have transformed my life (like Jesus wanted us to understand by His death on the cross).

I would tell you tales of how God is faithful (like He does what He says and says what He does- like raising on the third day).

I would mention the power to change that came from the Holy Spirit (that Jesus left those who believed in Him when He ascended into heaven).

I would shout about His love that never ran out on me and His love that changed my life forever.

I’m thankful to know Jesus and the work He’s done on the cross and thankful that He rose again. I’m in awe of His love and pursuit in my life and in awe of how He is changing and shaping me.

Detroit differences.

Can anyone really make it through summer at Hope House without crying or having a mental breakdown? I honestly don’t think so.

What’s been hard lately? Why the tears tonight? What’s going on? I think I hit a breaking point and am quickly realizing it.

My mom has shown me love through acts of service my whole life. She has served me in ways that most parents maybe hadn’t. For years my mom was my taxi driver, she drove me from ballet to soccer, soccer to ballet, basketball to volleyball and back again. She was always available and laid down her life so that I could have one. I never worried about being able to do a sport and having all of the necessary equipment. I never worried about how I would get there. I never worried about being hungry or having food on the table. My mom model Jesus to me in ways that I hadn’t seen until right now and it makes me cry. I don’t know why but I don’t really want to think too much about it right now.

I went from being reliant on her (and my sister for rides) to being self-sufficient and independent. I got my license the day I turned 16. I had a car to share and I had a credit card to buy gas. Again, I was taken care of. Never having to worry.

Now, here I am living in Detroit and I’m hesitant/shy and a little embarrassed to share those things with anyone. I’m embarrassed of my blessings in one sense. I did nothing to earn the family I was born into. I did nothing to deserve a servant taxi driver mom. I didn’t even ask for it, heck I wished away my family at some points because of the pain and heartbreak that came from the divorce.

But now here I am in Detroit and trying to learn the culture and understand the family differences. I’m trying to put myself in their shoes and comparing their situations to that of mine. I never understood that for all of my teenage years I was receiving love through acts of service so I assumed that was the way to be loved. So when I don’t see their parents taking care of them through driving them everywhere they need/want to go or making sure they eat I think there’s something wrong with the family dynamics. I feel like there isn’t love in their life.

So what do I want to do? Love them! How? Serve them! Need a ride? I got you. Need some lunch? No problem. Want to sit outside under the pavilion during your time off? Go ahead, you deserve a break and I feel bad that no one is coming to get you. But wait– they can’t sit under the pavilion anymore… well that’s not very loving!! And all of a sudden I realize why this hiccup in the summer has been more emotional than just the issue of hanging out around Hope House when we’re closed and they aren’t working.

The thing is, as much as my mom modeled Jesus through laying her life down for me, she is not Jesus. She is not the perfect example of love. God is love. And now I want to compare my mom to the mom’s here in Detroit- that’s not right! I’m subconsciously judging them and thinking less of them because of the way they are parenting. Forgive me Father, my family is not perfect. I am not perfect in my ways and my thinking. I am not the judge as I am so quick to play. I need these moments to remind me of who I am and who You are.

And as much as I want to hide my blessings and be embarrassed of what You’ve given me, I don’t think that’s why I was given them and how You would want me to use them. I don’t need to be embarrassed of my childhood and the blessing that my mom was and is to me. I want to praise You for those times in my life. I don’t want to be embarrassed that I have a car, I want to rejoice in the blessings that it has provided for me through Your generosity. I want to give it back to You and allow You to use it as You would have me. There’s nothing I hold on to. There’s nothing I hold on to. There’s nothing I hold on to. Father take it and use it. Take me and use me. Allow me to give You all of the praise and all of the glory for the knowledge of driving, the ability to drive, and the access to drive. Don’t let me hide the light You’ve given me. Give me confidence to shine my light and point to You as the source. I am just your lamp and without the bulb to shine, I’m useless.

It’s your breath in our lungs so we pour out our praise, we pour out our praise. We pour out our praise to You only. Great are You Lord.

I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven. I give it all of you God trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me.

Make something beautiful out of me Lord because my heart is not right. Sin has crept in and made itself so at home I don’t even realize it’s not welcome. I need You oh I need You.

Made for this.

I’ve been making the transition to Hope House Detroit from Cru and it’s amazing to me how much and how often I see God at work here. I’m just going to take a minute to boast about my Friend and tell you how kind and gracious He is being to me in my first week on the job.

You know that verse that says “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10. Well it’s true. He has created me for a purpose and He has created me to be new in Jesus. Praise Him for both of those things.

Where do I even start telling this?! Ok so I worked at the Kellogg Center for 4 years as a student and boyyy did I love it there. I loved serving people. I loved catering to their needs. I loved all of the behind the scenes tasks- besides maybe polishing silverware. I loved flipping goblets. I loved the people I worked with. I loved the ability to be a light to those who I worked around. I loved working hard and working long hours. I loved getting to take home flowers after a late night wedding weekend. I loved being a bartender. I loved the opportunity for ministry. I loved having parties at the Baby Blue and talking to my coworkers about homosexuality and if God was anti-gay (which He isn’t from my understanding of the Bible and His character btw). I loved living as a model for Jesus. I just loved a lot about my job at the Kellogg Center.

Not only did I love my job but I learned sooooo much. I learned how to be social with my coworkers. I learned how to be a leader and help people accomplish tasks. I learned how to be time sensitive and get things done in a short amount of time with less amount of help as I thought. I learned responsibility. I learned how to do paperwork. I learned how to train new employees. I learned the systems for scheduling and for hiring and firing. I learned discipline. I learned that waking up at 4:30am is awful. I learned that paperwork is important. I learned how to keep a systematic filing system. I learned how to work on a team. I learned how to be trained and be humble enough to accept training. I learned how to lead and how to teach so that people could learn from me and do it themselves. I learned how to bring up Jesus and my faith with people who I thought wanted nothing to do with Him. I learned that your job can be fun. I learned how to respect authority. I learned the importance of evaluation and keeping records for the future. I learned that people need to be encouraged and liked to be encouraged and recognized for their hard work.

Moral of the story, I loved and learned a lot from working at the Kellogg Center. One of the main things being that having job skills is very important. Whether it was the college students or the mentally handicapped people working the dish machine, the skills and teamwork of each department working together was key. That’s something that became near and dear to my heart- the idea of job skills. It has always stuck with me a little bit, it’s something that I wanted to model and something that I wanted my life to be a part of.

When I hear about programs that help people learn job skills I get very excited. And so when I found out the my job at Hope House was going to be running the cafe I was pumped!

You see the goal of the cafe is to create a loving and uplifting community in which youth feel comfortably challenged to grow in individuality, confidence, and responsibility. A place and space where kids and teens from the neighborhood can come and hang out. But on top of that I was going to be training teens from the neighborhood to work there- for them to gain job skills that can help them in the future. Something they can put on their resume to show they are useful and a productive member on society.

Funny how I’m writing this and God is reminding me the He loves people even if in my eyes they aren’t productive or contributing to society in any way. He loves people who could do nothing for Him. He loves the crippled, the blind, the beggars- all of them. I think the idea of work though sticks with me because my love language is service. When I am serving other people I feel alive. I feel like I’m a part of something bigger and something that will help people see that they are worth my time and worth the effort to be taken care of. Serving people shows them that they matter to me, and me being the tiny representation I can show that they matter to God. That HE sees their needs. That HE wants to take care of them. That HE can care for them and He will in His timing. That HE understands when something is set up poorly or wrong and He wants to fix it. HE sees how things should go and HE wants to be a part of fixing it and making it right. I’m made in the image of God and so when all of those things apply to me, it’s really just me being the hands and feet of Jesus because after all I am His workmanship created in His image.

Anyways so this cafe is just amazing to be a part of. It’s amazing to be placed here and have the opportunity to work in a field I’m so passionate about. I feel so supported in this and so empowered to be making decisions and run this the way I see fit (with guidance from God of course). I feel ready for the challenge. I feel equipped to be doing this. I feel knowledgeable when it comes to the material. I feel confident in the ability God has given me to lead well and shepherd the students who I’ll be working with. I feel excited and passionate about it. And I feel like God is in this.  He has prepared me for this moment. He has prepared me to be here doing this task to serve His Kingdom and His people here in the Jeff/Chalmers block. I was born for this. And I couldn’t be happier to be serving here in this neighborhood that I so quickly and easily feel like is my home.

Lord, I thank you for this ability and opportunity to know you. To know your characteristics and see them in myself. I’m so unworthy of representing you to the world around me and I praise you that I have the chance to show people light through my broken life that you have redeemed Jesus. You have blessed me greatly and shown your kindness and grace towards a sinner like me. Take all the praise in this cafe Lord. It is your work and your Spirit that is guiding this. You are worthy of great praise and I thank you for giving me the chance to use my life as a living sacrifice to your good plans which you have prepared in advance. With as much imperfect love that I can give, your servant Amy.